The NOT So Best Week Ever

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Mommy Monday on Tuesday? Yes. And I am not the least bit sorry about it. In fact, once you read the rest of the post you will totally understand. Life has been a bit…annoying? Not sure that is the right word, but that was the first thing that came to mind so I went with it. I can’t seem to narrow down the issue. Oh wait, YEAH I CAN…

My Wife Had A “Birthday Week”

You will see the blatant oxymoron within the wording. How anyone’s birth “day” could turn into something so important I will never know or understand. I genuinely could care less about birthdays. Why do we need to celebrate the fact that that someone gave birth to us? What important thing did we do to warrant all this praise? Shouldn’t we be celebrating our moms for squeezing us out. That’s the real challenge if you ask me.

The only thing I enjoy about birthdays is the friendly competition with my wife about accumulating birthday wishes on our Facebook wall. When we first started tracking this competition she only received 26 birthday wishes while I received 47. Of course I gloated. And this year I got mine. She received almost 70. I would say I don’t care, but I do. I hate losing. Just forget it—back to birthdays.

Call me or don’t call me on my birthday–life is good. Not the case for my wife’s family. It is vitally important we have a birthday dinner (which I seem to only appreciate when it is my turn to pick the meal). Next, and most annoyingly, her phone rings like crazy all day long on her birthday. How many family members do you actually have…600? Oh yeah, I swear she emailed all her friends and family and told them to comment on her Facebook wall (sigh). It’s not THAT big of a deal she cheated on the Facebook competition (sniff, sniff–I am not crying). Argg…how in the world did I get on that topic again?

Her birthday week got progressively bothersome from beginning to end. Everyday she had an update for friends on FB (yeah, I abbreviate because I am cool). Anyway, I need to move on. But before I do, I would like to wish my beautiful wife a happy birthday, even if she cheats in our friendly competition.

I bet your wondering where my extreme disapproval of birthdays originates. It all started when I was wee lad about the age 7. Actually I was turning seven and I remember the day as if it were yesterday. I had a party and no one showed up except one friend who probably had nothing better to do. I need to stop talking before I start crying…

This Guy...

I swear she cheated on her Facebook messages!

Thanks For The Pictures Honey

At my families beach trip this year I was somehow coerced into taking pictures with my pregnant wife in the ocean. I guess we were trying to emulate models or something. It was awful. I felt like I was reenacting the Steve Carell/Tina Fey strip club dance scene from “Date Night.”  Besides the fact that people were watching us (mainly the pregnant woman acting her version of sexy–okay, she is extremely sexy, but at what point during pregnancy does “sexy” need to stop?) act like idiots, Jess decided to put a few of the pictures on Facebook. Yeah, she made the folder private, but her best friend’s husband is my best friend. And guess who got a message this morning from his friend? Who has two thumbs and was totally embarrassed…THIS GUY (my best office joke)!?!?!?

Simply Put, She’s Pregnant

As if I need to explain the above heading to anyone. Some say the first few months are tough with a newborn. Right now, I would gladly trade a pregnant woman for a cute (even crying) newborn baby (I hope I don’t eat those words later). The complaining, constant peeing (and then yelling that she just peed 2 minutes ago), food cravings, constant mood swings, and random…ahem, uh, “urges” are starting to weigh on my already dwindling patience. Don’t get me wrong, I know it is tough for a woman, however, guess who else it’s hard for…THIS GUY!

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