A Bumper In My Car

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It was a lovely Sunday morning. For several reasons we decided not to attend church so as to catch up on some sleep. Little man had run a fever for several days, we had lost an hour of sleep from Daylights Savings Time, and Jess needed some extra sleep for her busy week with Buttons and Bows (our church’s county-wide consignment sale). It was such a peaceful morning. We took our time waking up. Breakfast with the three of us was great. We basically lounged around until around 11:00 a.m. when Jess began getting ready to leave for the consignment sale. How chaos can come so quickly.

Right before Jess was getting ready to walk out the door I suggested she borrow a car from her parents (they live across the street). One might ask why we don’t have two cars. Let’s just say that story is for another day. For the most part it works out great because we both work at home. Next, one might ask why I wanted her to take another car. I was on baby duty this morning, and I thought it would be fun for Little Man and I to go to lunch. Since I will do most anything to avoid the carseat-switchover nightmare I thoughtfully suggested she grab a car from across the street.  Anyway, she agreed and headed toward her sister’s car, and we moved on (although it was now about ten minutes past the time she had wanted to leave).

Little man and I waved goodbye to mommy as she walked down our front steps and down the driveway. I closed the door and locked it.  About a minute later I heard Jess honking the horn repeatedly.  Something was amiss.   After a few honks (not sure why I waited so long), I made my way to the front door.

When I arrived at the front door I opened it only a crack as I was just wearing  my boxers. I was not prepared for what I saw. Running late, pregnancy hormones, and finding the bumper of her sister’s car in the front seat instead of where it should have been had all risen to a climax and turned my wife into one of those scary little dinosaurs from Jurassic Park. You know, the ones that hiss and spit and have skin that unfolds from their neck making them look big and scary?  At any rate, there was a bumper in the front seat of her sister’s car (her sister was home from college to get her car’s bumper fixed). My wife was ticked. I am not sure I can put a volume level on her screaming, but I would rate it somewhere between a jet engine and a packed-out cheering crowd at a football stadium. She kept yelling, “There is a bumper in the car. THERE IS A BUMPER IN THE CAR!”

I didn’t know what to say or do.  I just stood in the crack of the doorway with one eye looking out and holding my son.    I guess she really wanted me to remove the bumper from the front seat of the car, and under normal circumstances I would have done just that.  However, there was no way I was going outside in my boxers and stepping into that risky situation. Plus, plastic bumpers only weigh about 5 pounds.  Why didn’t she just remove it herself?

After about 30 seconds of watching her running around the car and yelling I decided it was a good idea to cover little mans eye’s and totally remove ourselves from this situation. I backed away slowly and closed the door thinking that if I moved slowly enough she will not be able to see me. It must have worked because I checked outside a few minutes later, and there was a bumper in my driveway and no dinosaur to be seen.

I am not sure why this bumper/pregnancy thing was so comical to me. I guess I had visions of where our marriage started. After what she drove when we first got married there was no way a bumper in the front seat should have bothered her. She brought a 1999 Chevrolet Silverado into our marriage. I brought a 1988 Buick. We called it the ”Granny” car–partly because it truly had been my Granny’s car and partly because it looked like a car anyone’s Granny would drive.  Anyway, maybe it was her pride or possibly safety issues, but one thing was for sure–she was not driving anywhere with a bumper in the car. In fact, the entire neighborhood knew she didn’t want that bumper in the car.

Related posts:

1. Baby Number 2
2. Honey Do List